


The Battle in Me

by raezura



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Paragon Commander Shepard, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-17 22:39:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7288900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raezura/pseuds/raezura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the woman who saved the galaxy falls apart, who will come to pick up the pieces?</p><p>or </p><p>Shepard battles PTSD and alcoholism post-ending. Liara, as always, fights at her side. But this war isn't as cut and dry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bloody War of Attrition

**Author's Note:**

> The first 12 chapters of this piece appeared on Deviantart and FFnet in 2013/2014. They have since been reworked. 
> 
> Title of the fic and individual chapter titles come from Garbage's song "The Battle in Me"
> 
> Fem!Shep in this story is an Earthborn War Hero. Her backstory is loosely based off of Mass Effect canon. 
> 
> This is a post-Mass Effect 3 destroy ending AU.

Humanity had always assigned deeper meaning to colors. Green, the color of plant life needed to survive, was always used to represent the good side. Red, the color of spilt blood, represented the bad. But no color had greater meaning to the human race than the color white. White. The color of something untouched and unharmed by the dark evils of the universe. A fresh sheet of white paper acting as a blank slate. A virginal bride in her white wedding gown walking down the aisle. A movie hero outfitted in white as he fought against the villain. These were images that humanity clung to in their greatest moments of weakness. The color white gave them hope.

Then why, Shepard wondered, was the color so blinding to her now instead of being inspiring? The white of her hospital room was suffocating. That, combined with the fact that her injuries from the Citadel battle were far too grievous for her to move from her bed, had creating an atmosphere that was making her insane. The room was bare except for a bed and a vast number of machines, all which were hooked up to her through various tubes and were there for the sheer purpose of being kept alive. A little too similar to the purpose of the Cerberus implants in her body. Shepard smirked, which quickly turned into a grimace when the movement of her face pulled at the stiches on her cheek and inside her mouth.

She had first awoken at hastily assembled war hospital located on Earth just outside of New York City. She hadn't been anywhere near her home city since leaving for boot camp at 18. Shepard had laughed, a laugh restricted by a punctured lung but a laugh nonetheless, when they told her where she was. She remembered telling her probation officer that she wouldn't come back to this shithole of a city unless it was in a body bag. Close but no cigar. The laughter immediately stopped when the assembled team of doctors and surgeons began to relay her injuries; numerous broken bones, bruises, scrapes, lacerations, massive amounts of internal bleeding, a punctured lung, severe burns, a concussion, and fragmented armor in embedded her skin. But worst of all was the fact that her pistol had fused to her hand in the heat of the explosions. The initial surgeries had taken over 35 hours of tireless just to put her into a stable condition.

But soon after her physical injuries were taken care of, the doctors began talking about mental injuries. Every time a nurse came in to check on her, the topic of PTSD would be brought up. And every time Shepard managed to deflect it with practiced skills, honed first by her upbringing on the street, then from her gang membership, before finally becoming a marine. None of those situations allowed for the contemplation of feelings or an unguarded heart. Every emotion was discarded, pushed down until the person that had felt it was either left with numbness or anger in its place. That had been all Shepard had known until she had met Liara.

Liara. Shepard smiled, gently this time to avoid causing herself further pain. She wanted nothing more than to have her bondmate at her side right now. To hold the woman that she almost lost. To kiss her and to reassure her that they would never be separated again. But she had been informed that the mass relays had been destroyed along with the Reapers and transportation was difficult. Communication was also close to impossible with the number of working lines of communication significantly reduced and everyone in the galaxy trying to use them. One of her regular nurses, a young human woman, had assured her that the hospital was doing everything within their ability to try to contact the Normandy.

Moments later, the nurse entered through the sliding doors of the hospital room with a woman Shepard had never seen before at her side. This woman’s salt and pepper hair served as a sharp contrast to the younger nurse’s platinum blonde locks.

"Good morning Commander. Did you sleep well?" the nurse asked.

"As well as I possibly could like this."

The nurse laughed, a bit nervously though. Shepard had noticed that despite the fact that she had been at the hospital for close to two weeks, the hospital's staff never lost their nervous attitude towards her. She had forgotten what it was like to not have the casual respect of her crew around her at all times.

"I'm going to just update your charts," the nurse said. "But while I do that I'd like to introduce you to Dr. Casey. She's a psychologist who specializes in military related PTSD."

"It's an honor to meet you Commander," Dr. Casey said, extending her hand for Shepard to shake. The red-haired commander took it and shook.

"Listen Dr. Casey," Shepard started. "I've already told the staff that I'm not interested in receiving any psychiatric care. Of any kind. So while I appreciate your concern, it really won't be necessary."

"Can I ask why you believe that?"

Shepard was momentarily speechless. First of all, she wasn't used to anyone questioning her after she had made her decision. At least from those that weren't her friends. And even then her commands and wishes were final. Secondly, she had no idea how to go about making it clear to the doctor that she could deal with her own emotions as she had been doing since she was a child without divulging into her entire tragic backstory or making it sound like she regularly drowned her sorrows in alcohol. 

"I don't need it," she finally said, cursing herself for her uncharacteristic lack of eloquence.

The doctor's frowned, her brow creasing with concern. "Are you sure? PTSD is a legitimate concern for any post-combat solider, most of who have experienced far less than you have."

"I understand that" stated Shepard, her patience beginning to wear a little thin. "But I've seen other soldiers with PTSD. I don't act like they did."

"Not at all? No irritability, insomnia, feelings of depression, nightmares-"

"No." Shepard winced at her own error. She had answered far too fast. She had been having nightmares. Horrible nightmares. Some nights she relived horrible moments in her life; dying in the Normandy explosion, seeing her first girlfriend shot during a police battle against the 10th Street Reds, seeing Mordin die before her eyes in the shroud explosion, watching Kai Leng stab Thane. Other nights her mind created its own scenarios, mostly involving her watching her friends die in front of her, unable to remember them. She couldn't remember her last time sleeping without them present. Shepard glanced up at Dr. Casey to see if she had noticed.

If the psychologist had, she wasn't letting her face betray anything. "Alright. If you change your mind about seeing more or want any more information, just ask your nurse here to contact me." And with that Dr. Casey left the room.

The nurse looked up from the machines and smiled gently. "Is there anything you need, Commander? I know we have some books around here somewhere if you'd like something to read to pass the time. I could bring them with your lunch later."

Shepard shook her head. She had never been one for reading and the idea of trying to focus on a book now seemed impossible. "That won't be necessary. Thank you though."

"Your condition is looking good. All the numbers indicate stability and you're making vast improvements every day. It's incredible, really." the nurse said, her excitement growing. "I've never seen a recovery at this speed before! It's almost like your some sort of superhu-”

Just then the door to the Commander's room flew open, sparing her from having to explain to the nurse about her terrorist ties and their role in her healing process. Standing in the entryway was a young man with dark brown hair. Shepard had watched him running throughout the halls from her bed, delivering messages to the doctors and nurses. "Kara," he said, addressing the nurse, "We've finally made contact with the Normandy. Or, well, what's left of it."

Shepard pushed herself up in her bed, ignoring the splitting pain in her side. "What's left of it? What do you mean?" she cried. Oh God. Please don't let them be dead. Please. Please let them be safe.

"The Normandy was apparently hit by part of the explosion by the Crucible. They were forced to land on a planet in the Annos Basin. At least, that's what the pilot told me after bragging about his evasive maneuvers for a good five minutes. Cocky bastard.”

Joker was alive. Thank God. "And the others? Did he say who else was alive?"

"He said for the most part, the crew was fine. They had lost a few but that was it."

"Did he say who?"

"Most were support crew members. And for some reason he mentioned the AI core too. although I'm not sure why."

EDI was dead? Shepard's mind immediately flashed back to the memory of the child at the Catalyst telling her about how choosing to destroy the reapers would result in the destruction of anything containing Reaper tech. She had ignored him, so focused on the possibility of finally finishing her mission, of obliterating the threat that loomed over the galaxy. She had never considered the consequences, had never thought about how it would affect those she cared about.

Suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder, shaking her from her thoughts. "Shepard are you alright?" the nurse cried.

Shepard slowly reached her injured right hand up to her face and felt tears sliding down her cheeks. She quickly brushed them away before inhaling deeply. "I-I'm okay. Are they able to get transport?"

The messenger nodded. "With the mass relays down it will take a lot longer than normal for them to get here. But the hospital has arranged for a high-fuel capacity transport to bring them here at their request."

Kara nodded. "Thank you Connor. Is that all?"

Connor scratched his head before speaking again. "Oh yeah, the pilot told me that someone…um…Liara, wanted to tell you that she was counting on you to get better so you could fulfill your three promises to her. I don't know what that means and he didn't either but I guess you do."

She made a noise in the back of her throat, a mixture of a laugh and a sob. The promises; marriage, old age, and lots of little blue children. Once a hopeful fantasy, it was now a checklist for the rest of her and Liara's life together. "Yeah. Yeah I do." She then turned to the nurse. "Would it be alright if I was left alone for a while?"

Checking her watch, Kara gave a nod. "It will be once I give you your medicine."

Shepard froze. "That's not the stuff with the heavy sedative effect, is it?"

"The very same. Why?"

Shepard quickly weighed her options. She could tell the nurse the truth; that the sleeping medication forced her to experience horrid nightmares for hours on end and wouldn't let her wake up until 14 or 15 hours later. But that would lead to Dr. Casey or another psychologist coming back and insisting on poking around her brain and trying to make her talk about her emotions. Or she could lie. 

She chose that.

"I'm not a fan of losing all of those hours to sleep, really. I just feel like I missed a lot of my life with the war going on and I want to experience as much of it as possible." Cheesy as hell but it could work.

And work it did. Kara smiled. "Understandable. Though I can assure you that life is much more enjoyable when you're well-rested." She pulled out a syringe with a long needle attached and a vial of thick green liquid. She pushed the needle into the vial, drawing the liquid into the syringe. "Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be for that monstrosity."

Kara chuckled as she took the Commander's arm and plunged the needle into a patch of undamaged skin near the elbow. "That's a new word to describe it. I rather like it. Now sleep tight. When you wake up just give me a shout."

Shepard quickly began to slip into unconscious as the medicine entered her bloodstream. She knew better than to try and fight it now that it was flowing through her veins. The sooner she slept, the sooner she would wake up. And then she would be that much closer to seeing Liara again.

 

**** 

Shepard had only seen two kinds of night skies in her life. The first was the sky that she had seen as a young girl growing up the streets of New York. That sky was a light grey with only the brightest stars managing to shine against the light of the city. The second was the sky that she saw from her room on the Normandy; the darkest of black and filled with more stars than one could count in a lifetime. But the sky above her fit neither of these descriptions or any in between.

This sky was the color of blood.

She knew she was dreaming. 

Shepard forced herself to tear her eyes away from the sky. She tried to raise her left hand to her face to brush her hair aside but ended up crying out in pain. She looked down and was greeted by the sight of her shredded body, her skin barely visible through the blood and gore. It took all of her self-control to avoid screaming out in shock. Shepard squeezed her eyes tights and tried to slow her breathing. She knew that if she didn't get up she would die her. And nothing was a greater motivator than the sense of impending doom

With immense focus she began to push herself off the ground. Every nerve in her body began to scream with pain but Shepard ignored it and kept pushing. Soon she was sitting up. With her left hand Shepard grabbed her right side and began to stand. Her legs were wobbly and the pain radiating from her right leg suggested that it was broken. But still she continued, paying no attention to the tears streaming down her face and mixing with the blood, sweat, and ash on her cheeks.

When Shepard was finally on both feet she scanned her surroundings. The ruins of the Citadel towered over her, jagged edges jutting into the sky. The only light on the remains of the battlefield came from the occasional fire. And the only color came from the blood on the ground. Everything else, be it organic or synthetic, was burnt to a dark ash.

Suddenly, a speck appeared on the horizon; bright, glowing. And it was coming towards her at an alarming speed.

But she barely had time to react before the mysterious object was directly in front of her.

A voice came from the object. "Shepard?" It was feminine and slightly mechanical sounding. And incredibly familiar.

"EDI?"

The AI's orange eyes glowed as she smiled. "I am glad to see that you are alive Shepard. The Normandy had already taken on an extensive amount of casualties. It is a relief that you were not another."

Shepard began to respond but suddenly something drew her attention away from EDI. In her right hand was a pistol, her trusty Predator. She watched in horror as her index finger began extending and wrapped itself around the trigger.

EDI continued talking, delving further into the specific mechanical details of the Normandy's destruction and crash. She failed to notice the Commander's movements.

Shepard felt her thumb began to creep for the safety on the side of the gun. She tuned out the AI, instead focusing all of her will on stopping herself. But no matter what how hard she concentrated her hand did not stop moving. She heard the safety click off.

Slowly, her injured arm began to raise the Predator towards the chattering synthetic woman. Her mind was screaming. She tried to open her mouth but it refused to budge. She tried to move another part of her body or to make any sort of noise to draw EDI's attention but her efforts were futile.

When her finger pulled the trigger, it was as if time itself slowed down. Shepard could see the bullet exit the barrel of her gun accompanied by a bright explosion of sparks. Her eyes followed the short path as it approached the synthetic woman's head. When the bullet was just inches away from EDI's forehead, she suddenly looked up and realized her fate. Her eyes caught Shepard, filled with a combination of fear, surprise, anger, sadness, and at last, confusion.

Before the bullet ripped through the thick metal coating of the AI's artificial body and lodged itself in her cerebral processing core, EDI uttered one haunting word, "Why?"

 

* * *

 

Shepard awoke, a scream caught in her throat. She quickly looked around, trying to convince herself that she was still in the hospital room, not on Earth. Her surroundings were the same as when she had fallen asleep hours ago but darkness had fallen over the room. How long have I been asleep? Shepard asked herself.

She put her hand to her forehead, trying to calm the rapidly approaching headache that always followed her nightmares. Glancing to her side, Shepard took in the various monitors as she searched for the one that displayed her heart rate. It was easy to find as it was rapidly flashing; her heart rate was much faster than it felt. In fact, just a few more beats per minute and an alarm would go off, alerting the nurses and bringing them to her side. Shit shit shit.Shepard focused on her breathing, trying to push all remnants of the dream out of her head. She inhaled deeply, filling her lungs with air and exhaling with equal force. Gradually, her heart rate slowed to a normal rate.

As she finished her breathing, her door opened and the overhead light came to life. "Shepard?" her nurse Kara called out.

One last deep breath. "I'm awake," Shepard replied, her voice still husky from sleep. "How long was I out?

"About thirty hours. Which means that it's time to change your bandages."

Shepard winced. She had faced incredible amounts of pain in her life from injuries sustained in battle, both gang related and military. She had the scars to prove it. But getting the dressings changed on her burnt and shredded skin was definitely had a place her top five most painful experiences.

Kara saw the Commander's expression and smiled compassionately. "I know it's not the most pleasant experience in the world. But if we don't change your bandages everything will get infected. And that's a much worse experience. Trust me, I've seen it happen. Not pleasant. Besides, I have news from the Normandy crew that you will probably be interested in."

"Tell me," Shepard demanded.

Her nurse smiled mischievously. "Not until you let me change your bandages. Make my job easier and I'll tell you the news.

"No one told me there would be an ultimatum," Shepard glowered.

"Ultimatums make unruly patients cooperative. One might say that they are an essential part of a nurse's tool kit," Kara shot back. "Now sit up please."

Shepard gave a quick sigh as she propped herself up with her elbow and pushed herself up with her other bandaged hand. She noticed that there was less of a strain on her ribs then there had been yesterday. A good enough sign.

She felt hands on her back as Kara searched for the end of one bandage. "Ah, got it," she cried victoriously .The pain was instantly intense, close to unbearable and the dressing was pulled away from her burnt flesh. Shepard's teeth dug into her lip with such force that she began to taste blood.

"So," she said with gritted teeth. "I followed through with your part of the deal, if you could call it that. What’s this news you're holding over my hand?"

"If I would tell you now you would bolt out of the room, bandages trailing behind. So I can't give you all the details. But it is good news. Something we all need a little bit of. Now sit still so I can finish."

For forty more minutes Shepard sat on her bed, enduring the constant pain of her skin literally be torn off and then when some sort of gel was applied to her open wounds which hurt more than the bandages being removed. Just when she thought she couldn't take any more, fresh wrappings were applied, grazing her tender skin with just enough pressure to make the pain flare up again. The only thing that kept her from crying out and using her remaining strength to push the nurse aside, was the thought of the news. The nurse may have seemed sadistic at the moment, but there was no way she was cruel enough to follow up this necessary torture session with horrific news. 

After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse tucked the end of the bandage in and secured it with a small piece of surgical tape. "Are you ready for the news?" Kara asked as she handed Shepard a few pain pills and a glass of water.

Shepard popped the pills in her mouth and took a swig of water before nodding.

"You sure?" Again with that mischievous smile. In the fog of irritation that clouded her head, Shepard felt the urge to slap it right off of the nurse’s face. 

Before Shepard could angrily retort, Kara had disappeared out of the room and had closed the door behind her. She could hear the nurse's shoes clattering down the hospital hallway but soon lost the sound. The silence was filled moments later by many more footsteps coming towards her. It sounded like there were several people walking. As she listened more closely, she heard a slower set a footsteps accompanied by two tapping noises. Lastly she detected a fast sound of steps. So fast that the person must be running.

There was a rapid knock on her door followed by an aggressive rattling of the door knob. Someone, Kara, was saying something, her voice muffled by the door. "…let me…the door," was all that Shepard could make out. There was a reply but that was too quiet.

The sound of a key rattling in lock rang through the room. There was a clicking sound which was followed by the door flying open.

"Shepard?"

She had to rub her eyes, just to assure herself that the woman standing in front of her was real. And indeed she was. Dr. Liara T'Soni stood at the foot of her bed. Her white armor was filthy and broken in some parts. Her usually flawless blue skin was scraped and bandaged.

Shepard was barely able to get the name out before breaking down "L-Liara…"

The asari had the Commander in her arms in less than half a second. Their lips found each other as they desperately groped one another to close the small, but unbearable distance between them. Liara moved her hand up to Shepard's hair and threaded her long fingers though the red hair, eliciting a gasp of pain from Shepard. The asari pulled away immediately.

"I am so sorry! I did not realize how badly you were hurt," Liara apologized. "By the Goddess, Shepard you look…"

"Like shit?" Shepard said with a weak grin. Liara giggled.

"I was going to say beautiful. "

"Flatterer."

Again Liara laughed and leaned back in to give her lover a gentle kiss on the lips. But before their mouths touched, the sound of someone clearing their throat filled the room.

"As much as I enjoy a touching reunion Liara, the rest of us came to see Shepard as well," Garrus said, his mandibles twitching with amusement.

The couple pulled apart, both blushing furiously.

"Still ugly as ever, Garrus." Shepard shot back.

"Those bandages on your face suggest you'll be joining the club," Garrus replied.

"Oh please you two," sighed Tali. "You both come face-to-face with death and you feturn acting like children." She bent over the hospital bed and gave Shepard a hug. "I'm so glad that you're alive. When the hospital first made contact with us they refused to tell us how you were doing. We were all pretty worried."

"That's what Kara, my nurse, said. She had talked to Joker but I guess she didn't say much."

"Confidentiality?" Liara suggested.

"Or trying to protect us if something had gone wrong," Garrus said. The crew paused for a moment uncomfortably to consider this.

"Speaking of Joker," Shepard started, desperate to end the unbearable silence that had formed from the collective thought of her death. "Where is he?"

"You called?" All turned to see the pilot standing in the doorway, leaning on a pair of worn-out crutches. His trademark grin spread across his face when his eyes made contact with Shepard's. The moment she saw it, she broke.

His eyes. His eyes were dead, all previous traces of his jovial nature gone.

It was at that moment that Shepard learned that a person didn't have to stop breathing in order to die.


	2. A Torch to the Past and the Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Alcohol

There were phrases that Shepard's standard translator could not convert into another language; idioms, colloquialisms, or even the odd pop culture reference. But this time, it didn't matter how many languages her translator made available to her. There was no possible way, in any language, to tell Joker the truth of what she had done. Shepard saw her friend stand in front of her, trying to put on a brave, happy face despite his pain. A pain she was entirely responsible for. A pain that could have been prevented through her own decision making. 

For once, the great, eloquent Commander Shepard was stunned into speechlessness.

"I know I might not be at the top of your 'Most Likely to Survive' list, but you can at least try to look to look like you're not surprised to see me," Joker laughed weakly. "Or, y'know, happy."

She managed to muster up a smile. "Sorry. Just…tired is all. It's good to see you."

"That's it? Good? Great would be a better word. Actually I would go for ‘absolutely incredibly brilliantly fantastic’ myself but-"

"Oh please Joker," Tali groaned before dissolving into laughter.

"Glad to see that near-death experiences don't mar your sense of humor," said Garrus.

The smile on the Joker's face fluttered at the turian's words, so subtly that none of the other crew members seemed to catch it. Except for Shepard. Their eyes briefly made contact, his eyes widening at sight of the concern in hers. 

"So is anyone else here?" she asked, attempting to change the subject as quickly as possible.

Garrus nodded. "Chakwas was one of the hardest hit so she's in recovery along with a few of the support crew. Kaidan and Vega were the most vocal about wanting to come in to see you too but your nurse here insisted that we keep the group small."

Kara appeared through the room’s door, clipboard in hand. "Judging by how many people tried to worm their way here I think you're going to be one popular lady once you're released."

"Speaking of which…" Shepard started.

"Dr. Casey has a check-up appointment on your healing process scheduled for tomorrow. And judging by the unbelievable speed that your injuries have healed, you should be ready to release. Provided you promise to take it easy."

"And what does that entail?" the Commander asked.

"No combat of any sort, no fast movements," Kara said, counting the individual restrictions off on her gloved fingers. "No heavy lifting. No drinking. And no," she chuckled as she glanced at Shepard and Liara's clasped hands. "Vigorous sex. Or any kind of sex, that is. At least until all of your external wounds have healed."

The couple blushed simultaneously. "Sorry," Kara quickly apologized. "It has to be said. Some people are less then mature about it though." Her last sentence was directed at Joker, who been snickering at the situation. But once again, Shepard could see the pain in his eyes.

She needed to talk to him. Now.

Shepard faked a large yawn. "I'm sorry to kick you guys out so soon but-"

“Not your most convincing acting" Liara giggled, leaning over to kiss her lover on her bandaged head. "But we get it. You're tired. Understandable after your last week."

"Take care Shepard. We'll be back later," Garrus said as he helped Tali to her feet and put an arm around her waist.

"Feel better," Tali said, her glowing eyes crinkling into a smile behind her mask. "Come on Joker. Let's leave her be."

"Actually," Shepard spoke up. "I want to talk to Joker. Alone. If it's okay with him, that is."

He nodded, eyes widened in suprise. "Yeah, sure.” He tore his eyes away from Shepard and glanced towards the rest of the group “If you guys could, um…"

"Of course. We'll leave you two be," Liara said, standing up quickly from the hospital bed.

"Call for me if you need anything," Kara called back as she made her wait out the door with the others.

Shepard nodded and waited until she heard the door shut behind everyone before she spoke again. "The nurse told me about the wreck."

Joker gave a cocky grin as he collapsed into the plastic chair next to her bed, leaning his crutches against the wall. "It wasn't anything I couldn't handle. A few evasive maneuvers here, a couple of strategic movements there-"

"She told me about EDI."

He stared at her for a moment, eyes unmoving yet betraying every emotion that crossed his mind. They flashed through anger, fear, resentment, and frustration before finally landing on such a raw form of grief that Shepard found it difficult to maintain eye contact with the pilot. But she had to. She had to stay strong, to support her friend in his time of loss. And to cover up her own participation in his lover's death.

Shepard plunged her teeth into her bottom lip as if to punish herself for thinking such a thing. She couldn't believe what had just crossed her mind. But it was true. She had killed an entire race, one that she had helped to end a centuries old conflict with Quarians just weeks before. She had killed one of her closest friends, the very soul of the Normandy. And she wanted nothing more than to distance herself from their deaths. Even if that meant lying to herself and everyone she knew.

"It was so sudden," Joker said solemnly. The contrast of his voice to his usual demeanor was shocking. "She was right next to me in the cockpit. Helping me man the Normandy's controls, giving orders to the crew, managing the engines and the system core. Then I hear her call out my name and I look over and see her collapsed over the panels."

"Joker…"

"I scream and scream but she doesn't respond. Then I can't stop to do anything to help her. I can’t reboot the system or the mainframe because I have everyone's life in my hand. I had to focus on flying the ship, her ship, with her hollow corpse next to me." he said, his voice growing louder and angrier with every word. "I couldn't save her. I saved the lives of almost everyone on that goddamn ship. Except for her. Nothing I did mattered when it came to her."

"Joker!"

"What Shepard? What are you going to possibly say now? Please, enlighten me."

Shepard grew quite, shocked by the venom in her usually facetious friend. "I-I'm sorry."

"Of course you are. I wouldn't expect anything less from you besides a never ending stream of apologies. But what good does feeling sorry do? It wasn't your fault."

She exhaled deeply, squeezing her eyes shut. "Joker, I-"

"What? You what?"

"I need a drink," she sighed. "No, we need a drink. Preferably a lot of them."

He looked at her quizzically for a moment before breaking down laughing. A bit painfully, Shepard had to note. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Look Joker, you're right. Feeling sorry will do nothing. It won't bring her back and it won't eliminate your pain. It's something you have to deal with." Can't even do it yourself but you're advising others. You fucking hypocrite.

"But-"

"But not now. Garrus promised me drinks at the end of this war. It's time he paid up. For two."

This managed to illicit a small grin from the pilot. "Fine. But just to see Vakarian squirm when the bill comes." He grabbed at his crutches and fitted them under his arms before putting his weight on them to stand. "I'll leave you to sleep."

"You should rest too. God knows you didn't get any on the way here."

"Guilty as charged. You know me too well."

"Or just well enough."

They exchanged another smile before Joker made his way out the door. It slammed shut before launching the room in to a new found silence. It was then and only then that Shepard let herself cry for the first time in months.

***

 

"I've never seen healing of this capacity before," Dr. Casey said, the fascination evident in her voice. 

"I was in good hands," Shepard replied. Plus some help courtesy of some terrorist technology. But best not to mention that in unsympathetic company.

"Kara instructed you on the necessary precautions to take, yes?"

"Yes."

"And you will follow them?" she said in way that suggested that there was no alternative.

"Yes."

"And you?" the doctor asked, this time addressing Liara standing by Shepard's bedside. "You'll make sure she follows the orders?"

Liara smiled. "Of course."

"Then I'll start writing up your release papers right away. We'll make sure that we move you under the care of Dr. Karin Chakwas. She's being released right now. Also I have your prescription here. Luckily we have a supply here so you can begin taking them immediately."

"Wait, prescription?" Shepard asked. "I was never informed about any sort of medication."

"It's a simple treatment for PTSD. A bit antiquated but it’s a drug combination of an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant that works with your natural brain chemistry in order to-"

"I don't want anything messing with my brain." Shepard's abrupt comment surprised both her doctor and Liara as well as herself. But it was the complete truth. Between the Prothean beacon, the catalyst, and Cerberus implants, she felt that she had been mentally manipulated enough. Besides, she had grown up on the streets. She had gone through one on of the most intense military training programs in the galaxy. And succeeded.

Dr. Casey looked like she was trying hard to hide her exasperation. "You have shown signs of severe combat related PTSD. To be honest, yours is one of the most severe myself and my colleagues have ever come across. Kara has filed reports with me about you crying out in your sleep, having nightmares. You've been refusing any sort of psychiatric treatment or to talk with anyone."

"Shepard, is all of this true?" The concern in Liara's eyes was excruciating. Shepard took her hand from the asari's and looked away.

"No, it’s not true” she muttered. Shepard hadn’t grown up with parents hated how incredibly childish she was being. How completely irrational. It wasn't like her.

"Doctor, can we have a moment?" Liara requested. Dr. Casey nodded and slipped out of the room, closing the door tightly behind her.

Liara stared at Shepard, questions floating in her eyes. "I do not understand," she started.

"There's nothing to understand!" Shepard insisted. "I'm fine."

"You do not sound like you are fine."

"I am. It's nothing that I can't deal with myself."

Liara crossed her arms over her chest. "So there is something."

"No! I mean yes there is. But it's not that big of a deal."

"Oh really?" The unbelieving tone in her voice was evident.

"Really. Please tell me what's going on Shepard. Are you having nightmares? Was what the doctor said true?"

The Commander threw her hands in the air, exasperated. "Yes! Okay? Okay, yes I'm having nightmares. It's not-"

"A big deal, yes I know. But it is. You have experienced more terrible things than most can imagine. It is going to affect you."

"I've spent my whole life dealing with terrible things Liara. It's nothing new. Well, these nightmares might be but I can handle them."

"Please Shepard look at me. Look at me!" Liara cried, taking the human's chin in her hand and turning her head so that it faced her own. "Goddess do you not understand how much pain you are in? How much pain we are all in?”

"Liara…" Shepard muttered. "You have to listen to me. I-"

"No," the asari said as she shook her head. "No. You will listen to me right now. You need help and this doctor is willing to give it to you! And if you're not going to do it for yourself, then…" She paused, the tears finally overflowing. "Then do it for me. Just me. Please” 

Shepard began to cry, big choking sobs that she had been holding in for far too long. She leaned into Liara's outstretched arms, savoring the contact "Okay. Okay. I'll do it."

Liara stroked her bondmate's hair, making soothing sounds. "It is going to be alright. You will be fine. I will make sure of it. You are the strongest being I have ever met, human or otherwise. You will fight this. We will all fight this. And we will win. Just like last time. Just like every time.” 

****

"Who should we make the toast in honor of?" Joker asked, holding a shot glass full of Serrice ice brandy up to the artificial light of the bar for inspection.

"Joker, we're doing shots. You can't toast with shots," Garrus fired back, holding a glass in his hand, identical except for its dextro contents.

"Can too."

"Well you can. I’m not saying it’s physically impossible. It just seems disrespectful to toast the memory of someone with shots.

"And why the hell is that?"

"Because their sole purpose is to get you drunk. It's not like champagne or wine or-"

"Will you two quiet down?" Shepard groaned. "I did not ask the two of you to come with me so that I could listen to stupid arguments the entire time."

"Hey, if it wasn't for the two of us you would still be back at the hotel with the rest of the crew," Joker said, his tone just short of mocking. "I say you should have to put up with our “stupid" arguments considering that."

He had a point there. After Shepard had been checked out of the hospital, the crew of the Normandy had relocated to Illium. The planet was packed with refugees but Liara had used her resources to pull some strings and get them decent enough accommodations in the form of a hotel suite. Most of Shepard’s core team had elected to stay; Joker, Vega, Chakwas, Kaidan, Liara, Tali, and Garrus. The rest of the crew had elected to try to track down their families and was staying in a separate suite. Shepard didn’t even want to consider what valuable information Liara had given up for the rooms. Better than having them try to sleep on the streets though. 

Joker had decided that now was the most opportune time to take Shepard up on her offer for a drink. Which was now problematic due to her doctor's orders. She had been instructed not to consume any amount of alcohol as it would interfere with her new medication. But was she really in the position to turn him down? When he had asked her, she had seen the desperation in his eyes. Desperation for contact that was based on anything other than sympathy. Desperation to forget. So she said yes. She could handle one night of drinking. Then she would quit completely. Easy.

Only two people knew what her condition was; Liara and Dr. Chakwas, who had been entrusted with Shepard's care upon her release. This meant that sneaking out was required. Garrus explained to them both that they were simply going out with Shepard to see the sights, relax a little. No alcohol involved. It took some extra persuasion to get Garrus to add that part.

All in all it wasn't the greatest lie but they seemed willing to let her have one night of relaxation. Shepard had earned it as far as both Liara and the doctor were concerned.

So off to the nearest bar the three friends went. They had all planned for a low-key evening but the second they entered the bar there were different plans. The bar's patrons had recognized Shepard instantly. Suddenly there were people crowding around her; shaking her hand and thanking her. And the drinks. Every time one of them finished a drink another was instantly thrust into their hands.

After the years of doubt and disapproval she had faced the gratitude felt good. Amazing even. And all of the praise and appreciation was starting to make it hard to keep track of exactly what number round they were on.

"Fine, fine, fine," exclaimed Joker, his statement startling the Commander out of her thoughts. "No toast to a dead person then. We'll toast to someone alive. Shepard, perhaps?"

"Wait, what?" she cried.  
;  
"You're the perfect person! Not dead, so we're not 'besmirching anyone's honor'," the pilot said excitedly. "And I would say that your recent actions are particularly toast-worthy."

"But-"

"Commander, with all due respect, make up your goddamn mind!" he hollered, ignoring Garrus's laughter.

"The shots are getting kind of warm,” Garrus muttered, spinning his shot glass between his three fingers. 

There was no point in trying to put it off any more. Shepard resigned herself."Alright fine. Go ahead."

"To Shepard then," Garrus called, lifting his glass high into the air.

"To Shepard!" Joker cried. The Commander simply lifted her glass in response before all three tipped the contents back into their mouths before slamming them back down on the table.

"And that is why it's disrespectfulto the dead," noted the Turian, gesturing with his empty glass.

"Shut up Garrus," she shot back. "Besides, did anyone else notice that those don't seem to have a kick to them anymore?"

Joker laughed. "That's because you've had at least five of them."

"I thought we were on six," Garrus said.

"Five, six. What's the difference?"

"One glass?"

"Smartass."

"Will you two stop it?” Shepard laughed. “Can we talk about something that isn’t alcohol?”

Joker gave a mock sigh of exasperation. “Fine. That was a hell of a time we had getting you out of the hospital, wasn’t it.”

Shepard laughed “That’s putting it, lightly. I’m pretty sure every reporter and civilian with a working camera program on their omnitool was there. How did my location even get out to the public in the first place? I thought that was classified?”

“Well, judging by the crowd of people that watched the Normandy dock and then followed us as we beelined for the hospital...” Garrus explained, his voice trailing off. 

“Shit, seriously?” she asked. “I guess I didn’t even think of that.” 

“You haven’t checked the vids lately?” the Turian asked.

The commander gave a shrug of her shoulders. 

“What would she have even missed?” Joker asked lightheartedly. “Post war death and destruction?”

Though he meant it as a joke, Shepard visibly winced. Garrus noticed immediately and quickly added his own comment “Or she could have seen the vids of Vega pushing his way through the crowd. Those were pretty funny.”

Joker chuckled. “Next toast is to Vega then!” He flagged down a waiter. “One more round of serrice ice shots!”

 

“No!” Shepard interjected. “We need something else here. Something stronger. Something better."

"Shepard," said the Turian, suddenly sobering up. "This stuff here is 70% proof. Besides, you're already drunk enough."

She shook her head. "Not drunk. I don't have a headache. My stomach is fine. And there is nothing wrong with my voice."

"You breath smell like a distillery."

“I don’t care.”

"Well," Joker started. "Liara is going to care when you climb into bed with her reeking of booze after lying to her about where you were going."

"Liara? Oh shit. Shit shit shit." Shepard moaned, laying her head down on the table with enough force to rattle the glasses on its top. "She's gonna be pissed." Joker hurriedly waved the waiter away.

"Am I the only one who's lost?" asked Garrus. "Why all the secrecy? Why did you make me lie for you? Why did you make mention that there would be no alcohol?"

She raised her head, reluctant to answer. Her diagnosis made her feel weak. And Shepard knew the image that her friends had of her; one based on strength. And she wasn't strong. Especially now. But she had to tell them something.

The Commander leaned in, making her voice as quiet as possible in the noisy bar. "The doctors at the hospital kind of freaked out. They put me on some pill. Something to do with combat related PTSD. And I'm not supposed to drink."

"Wait what?" Joker said, waving away a waitress who was approaching them with another round. He leaned in closer. "Then what the hell are we doing here Shepard?"

"Because I wanted to help you."

Garrus sensed the personal nature of the conversation that was developing in front of him. "Um, I'll go get you a cup of coffee. See if we can't sober you up a little." Upon standing he reached out to give Shepard a pat on the shoulder. She winced at his touch, overly delicate. Like she was some fragile creature.

Joker watched the Turian leave before his eyes settled back on Shepard. "That doesn't make any sense," he hissed. "How does this help me?"

"I see how you hurt," she muttered. "I didn't know else to do."

"So you thought it would do what? Make me forget that pain?"

"I don't know!" she cried, not caring about the attention she was drawing to herself. "Maybe."

Shepard was surprised when he suddenly laughed. "Well you did it. You made me forget about her. For just a few moments. Good job."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you did. But at what cost Shepard? You're hurting yourself in the process!"

She shook her head rapidly. "No. I'm fine Joker. It's just one night."

The pilot raised his eyebrow at her statement. "One night? This is really it?"

"Yeah. This is it." Shepard gave a shuddering sigh before placing her head back on the table. "I lied about my head. It hurts."

"Figured as much," said Garrus, coming back with a steaming mug of coffee and placed it before Shepard. She picked it up and took a long drink before swallowing. "We need to get you back."

"Liara's gonna hate me." Shepard muttered, ashamed of how childlike she sounded.

"She's not going to hate you. Mad at you, yes," Garrus stated. "But not hate you. Now come on, let's get you home.

"Ugh," Shepard groaned as the Turian helped her to her feet and slung her arm over his shoulder. "How are you not falling over?"

"Because we're not lightweights," Joker butted in.

"Shut up."

"Yeah, you would think a tough marine like you could handle her liquor. And to think you wanted something stronger," Garrus laughed.

Shepard opened her mouth to bite back but felt herself nodding off. She tried to keep her eyes open but ultimately failed, falling asleep as Garrus half-dragged, half-carried her out of the bar.

***

She awoke on an unfamiliar bed, surrounded by scattered pillows and tucked in under a thick blanket. Shepard made an attempt to sit up but was instantly overtaken with a wave of nausea. Groaning, she lay back down and began to rack her brain, trying to figure out how she had gotten here. Wherever here was.

She had clearly been unconscious for some time, the taste of sleep evident in her mouth. But for how long? Suddenly a realization crossed her mind; there had been no nightmares. It was the first time in months that she had awoken without the remnants of a nightmare of swimming in her vision.

Her thoughts were interrupted by muttering outside of the closed door that was located on the right side of her darkened room. Shepard focused all of her energy on making out the voices.

"Don't go in there." Garrus.

"Why? She lied to me Garrus! You lied.” Liara. 

"So talk to her when she wakes up. Let her sleep."

"She could have gotten hurt! Do you not realize this?" Shepard had never heard Liara this angry before. And directed towards her. It was terrifying. But she deserved every ounce of the anger.

"Of course I realize it."

"Then why did you not stop her? Why did you encourage her? And why would you lie to me in order to do so?"

"Because I didn't know! No one told me that this had gone on. Shepard had done so many things for me and never asked for anything in return. So when she asked me to go out for a drink with her and Joker I couldn't say no. If I had known about her condition I would have refused!"

There that word was again. Condition. It hurt her to hear herself described in such a way.

Suddenly she heard soft crying outside of the door. "I don't know what to do Garrus," the asari choked. “I don’t know how to deal with her and all of this on top of my own.”

Shepard had hurt Liara. Not only that, but she hadn’t even stopped to consider Liara’s own emotions and pain from the war. Her bondmate had lost so much and she hadn’t even stopped to consider that. Stupid stupid stupid. She had to say something. Had to apologize. "Liara?" she called out, voice raspy.

There was only a moment in between her call and the motion of the door slamming open. Liara stood in the doorway, tears on her cheeks. But her expression wasn't one of anger. It was one of fury. "Shepard," she growled. "What have you done?"

"I'm sorry. It was a mistake!"

"What gave it away?" Liara's tone dripped with venom. "You lied! You could gotten hurt. Goddess knows what you've done to yourself now. 

"It's a one time thing. That's it. It can't have done that much damage."

"And how do you know that?"

"Liara, will you just listen to me?"

"Why? So you can lie to me more? So you can make more excuses?"

"Please," Shepard pleaded, hoping the sincerity in her voice was evident. She was used to negotiating problems, not begging.

There was a moment of silence before the asari seemed to visibly deflate as her angry expression left her face. "I-I just don't understand how you can care so much for other people but neglect yourself."

The Commander had nothing to say to this. She bit her bottom lip and sighed. "Maybe I can't care for myself. Maybe I can't fight like you want me to."

Liara put a hand on her hip and raised her other to her forehead in exhaustion. "Shepard," she began. "If you do not matter to yourself then think about what this does to me. I cannot keep both of us going."

"Wait, what do you mean?" Shepard asked, her voice beginning to sound panicked.

"I mean that I am already feeling broken enough without having to pick up someone else’s pieces. I am trying. I am trying so much but it’s a lot.”

The panic came full-force now. "So you would leave me?"

"No! I mean, yes, maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I cannot handle this. Not right now."

"But Liara-"

"Shepard, I just need to be alone. I need to think."

With that Liara stood up off the bed and walked out of the room and shut the door behind her with enough force to rattle the windows of the hotel room. And she didn't look back once.

Shepard sat up, ignoring her pounding head and the waves of queasiness to put her face in her hands. As much as she hated to admit it, there was never a time that she had wanted a drink as she did at this moment.


	3. I Want Something to Happen

If you stare at something unwaveringly for long enough, patterns start to emerge. It doesn't matter how plain the initial item is, a sort of image will begin to materialize. The longer you stare, the more complex that image becomes.

Shepard had been staring at the ceiling for days, watching those very patterns swirl in front of her vision. When she had first started watching, moments after Liara had stormed out, there were only basic shapes. Soon that had transformed before her eyes into a perfect likeness of her asari lover. The thin cracks became her crests and slim figure. The bumps became the freckles Shepard loved so much. For a moment she could even swear the image had Liara's blue skin.

The sound of her bedroom door opening tore Shepard away from the image on the ceiling. "I brought you some lunch," Tali said weakly, holding up a plate of food.

"Thanks," the Commander muttered as she accepted the plate with one hand. She took the hastily made sandwich off and was about to take a bite before noticing that Tali hadn't wasn’t following the pattern that the rest of her friends had set. They would bring her food, usually leftovers or half of what they had made and then they would immediatley leave. But the quarian was sticking around. 

"What do you want?" Shepard demanded. As soon as the words were out of her mouth she wished she could take them back. Or at least do something to remove the harshness of her tone.

Tali was caught off guard by the venom in her friend’s voice. "I-I just wanted to check on you. To see if you're okay."

"I'm fine." Shepard lied, desperatley trying to remove the quarian girl from the santctaty of her bedroom and go back to sulking in solitude. 

"Can I sit?" The voice behind the mask was soft. Softer than anything Shepard had heard in the past few days. 

The marine placed her plate next to her and put her head in her hands and sighed. "If you want to go ahead. I'm not stopping you."

She heard the quarian move a pillow from the side of the bed and sit down. They sat in silence for a moment before Tali spoke up. "Shepard," she began. "What have you been doing for two days?"

Shepard gave a short barking laugh that surprised the both of them. "Honestly? Sleeping."

"Why?"

Why was a good question. She was a warrior, a leader. Not someone who hid from the world. She had never chosen the easy path. Doing nothing seemed easy. But there was nothing simple or effortless about it. The best way she could think to describe it was that it felt like a war inside of her head. A comparison that seemed inappropriate in the light of recent events but Shepard couldn't think of anything better. It was like there were two sides to her mind and they were locked in a bitter battle with one another. But how does one communicate that to someone? She wasn’t a poet and laying out the comparison that sounded straight out of a pop song was not an appealing idea. 

The Commander shook her head "I can't explain it. I'm sorry."

"Can you try?" Tali said gently, putting a hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"No, I can't."

"Shepard, everyone is really worried about you. They don't say it but I know that they do."

"Tali, I really don't want to talk."

The quarian stood and took the plate that once held the sandwich in her gloved hands. "Liara said as much. I just thought that maybe I could help. That maybe you would talk to me. But why would you talk to if you wouldn't talk to Liara? Or Garrus or Kaidan or anyone else that’s been in the room? Why did I think that I would be any different? I just-” Tali was starting to work herself into a sort of frenzy, her speech speeding up with every passing word. 

It was starting to distress the Commander. “Tali,” she said, clearing her throat, stopping the Quarian in her sentence. “I, I’ll talk, okay?”

She turned her head back, glowing eyes focused on Shepard through her mask.

"Can I sit?"

"I'm not going to stop you."

There was something unfamiliar about Shepard's voice that had been bothering Tali the entire time that they had been speaking. Her voice was off, wrong even. And she could not put her finger on it until that last sentence. Shepard sounded defeated. The usual strength in her voice had been ebbed away. It was frightening to say the least.

"You know, Liara didn't tell any of us. About…whatever this whole is. If that's what you're worried about."

Shepard was taken aback. It wasn’t that she expected Liara to go blabbing about what she concerned to be her secret. (After all, her bondmate was the keeper of the galaxy’s secrets.) But something inside her sensed a feeling of erosion of that trust and left her feeling stunned that some of that trust remained. "She didn't?"

Tali’s glowing eyes narrowed behind her face plate. "No. Liara would never do that to you. Did you think she would?"

"Honestly?" Shepard began as she took the last bite of her meal. "I don't know anymore. I've never seen her act the way she did. So I didn't know what she would do." A silence bloomed between them, interrupted only by Shepard scrapping the final remnants of the food off the plate. Finally Tali broke the silence. 

"Shepard, you're going to have fill me in sometime here. What happened?"

Shepard paused, places her plate to the side for no reason other than to stall. She was never comfortable telling any part of her life story; from her youth on the streets of Earth to even the most current parts of her military life. No matter how much she worked to coax that very information out of her teammates, they quickly found that the same couldn't be done with their illustrious Commander.

But there wasn't a war any more. For the first time in Shepard's entire existence she wasn't fighting. For the first time, she had people that gave a damn about her.

And she had no idea to react to that. So she chose to act in a way that was the exact opposite of herself; confiding in a friend and letting her walls down for a millisecond. 

"When I was in the hospital I was put on medication that I couldn't take with alcohol." Her voice came out strained and hoarse. Shepard cleared her throat once before Tali spoke up again. 

"Which I'm guessing you did."

"You guessed right."

"And that's why Liara was angry."

"Yeah."

Tali sighed, not out of disappointment or anger, but a sigh that indicated she regretted having to ask the following question since she knew from experience that Shepard would not volunteer the information. "What is the medication for?"

It was then that Shepard realized that she would never be free of that question. It was only her second time answering it but already she felt like she had been answering it for an eternity.

But this was Tali. The quarian girl she had seen grow before her very eyes on the decks of the Normandy. And the question didn't come from curiosity but from genuine concern.

"I have PTSD." The shame in her voice was evident.

It was only moments after the sentence left her mouth that Shepard found herself enveloped in a hug that was surprisingly strong for the little body giving it.

"Tali," the Commander choked.

"Yes Shepard?"

"You're crushing me. My ribs-"

The quarian pulled away abruptly. "Sorry! I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Shepard laughed, her voice stronger and more confident than it had been before. "I'm just still sore."

"I hear that cracking a couple of ribs will do that to you," Tali giggled. "What was the damage?"

"Six cracked and two broken."

"Ouch."

"You can say that again."

"Ouch."

Both women started laughing at the attempted joke. As their laughter died down, Tali reached over and embraced Shepard again, though significantly gentler this time. "I know it's kind of, well, unoriginal but I'm here for you. Okay?"

"Unoriginal works." Tali pulled away, her glowing eyes crinkling into a smile behind her mask. 

They were interrupted by a knock on the front of the open door. "Um, Commander?" Vega stood near the room opening. "Hackett is here. He says that he needs to see you."

Shepard instantly felt exhausted. "He needs me right now?"

Vega nodded. "He was pretty clear on that aspect. I didn't get the feel that it would involve fighting or anything fun like that though."

The quarian stood up and offered a hand to help Shepard up off the bed before turning to Vega. "Tell him that he can wait a few more minutes while she gets ready. Alright?"

"Can do. Just don't keep him waiting too long. The Admiral starts to look a little scary when he's forced to wait."

"Scary?"

"Well, scarier. Anyways, I'll go tell him."

He left the room quickly to deliver the message. "Can you shower by yourself or do you need help?” Tali asked. From anyone else there would have been an air of patronization to it but there was only sincereity in her voice. “I can go grab Liara-”

“No,” Shepard replied, a little too quickly. “I can do it myself.” She corrected herself with a smile, a motion beginning to feel a little more familiar. "I'll be fine. Thanks for your concern."

"I'll be waiting here. Go."

 

* * *

 

Shepard emerged from the bathroom feeling as though every bit of stress and anxiety had been washed down the drain. For the first time in weeks she felt relaxed. She was ready to take on anything; even Hackett.

"All cleaned up now?" Tali asked.

The Commander nodded, feeling the snugness of her clean clothes against her skin. She still wasn't used to the civvies but even she had to admit that they had a certain level of comfort that she was never able to find in underarmor. "Let's go see Hackett."

As the two made their way out the door, Shepard took the chance to look around at her surroundings for the first time. All other times she had gone throughout the hotel suite were a bit of a blur. Her room was situated at the end of a long hallway filled with doors that lead to other individual's rooms. The hallway opened up into a high-ceiling room containing a kitchen and living room. That room was mostly empty, save for Vega, Hackett, and Liara each sitting on a separate couch in the den.

Liara's eyes caught Shepard's. The asari started to open her mouth to say something but was quickly interrupted by Hackett who had caught the exchange between the couple. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" he asked. From anyone else that sentence would have come across as a light-hearted joke to break the tension. But from Hackett it was a serious statement.

Shepard shook her head. "No, you're fine. What is it that you want?"

"A speech."

"I'll have to say Hackett," Shepard said, her trademark smirk working its way on to her face for the first time in a very long time. "I'm not used to you requesting things from me that don't involve fostering galactic peace treaties or firing giant lasers at Reapers."

He didn’t return the smile. "This is a serious matter Shepard. The Alliance needs you speak at a memorial service being held for the fallen soldiers of humanity."

Her grin was instantly gone. A speech? She put her hands on the back of a chair and eased herself down, suddenly stricken by panic. But why? She had made hundreds of speeches, some in the midst of battle, others in the calm before the storm. Hell, she even made speeches to get Liara to hand over the television remote. But this was different.

She was the one who fought for this war. And though she knew how many billions would have died without it, the deaths of all of soldiers who had been sent in to protect the galaxy were still on her shoulders. Shepard remembered when she was a recruit, silently cursing those in command for sending in wave after wave of men and women for whatever cause they found necessary. And she had joined the ranks of those warmongers the moment she went to the council with news of the Reapers.

And that was only among humanity. She had chosen to destroy the reapers; her mission from the very beginning. But as a consequence, an entire species had perished along with countless AI's. Not to mention all of the members of other species that had died fighting for the very same war

Over and over she was faced with the fact that she couldn't save everybody. At least that's what she told herself. Maybe she had really chosen to destroy because that was the only way that she could survive. The only way she could see Liara again and give her those promised blue babies. In the end she was just another selfish individual hiding behind the guise of heroism.

"Shepard?" Hackett called out, pulling her back into reality. "Will you do it?"

It took considerable effort for push down her emotions. She couldn't let someone like Hackett see how weak she was. "Why me?"

The question confused the Admiral. "Why you? You're the hero of this entire war. There is no one that those people in the audience would rather see honoring their fallen friends and family then you. There is no one else I or anyone else in the brass would have there up representing Earth and the Alliance then you."

Shepard stared into her lap, unable to speak. Seeing this, Liara took over. “Admiral Hackett, when would this memorial service be?"

"It's not until Wednesday. So not for a few days. It would give her a chance to prepare a speech.” He had noticed, Shepard noted grimly. 

"She will do it." Liara stated. Explosions of protest burst forth from both Tali and Shepard as the Commander's sound of confusion overlapping with Tali's objection.  
.  
There was a moment of silence before Hackett spoke up. "I'll take that as my cue to leave. I'll let the you have your discussion." He stood and started making his way towards the hotel room door before turning back for one final note. "And Shepard, I look forward to seeing you on Wednesday afternoon. I'll send you a message with more information"

The moment the door closed, Shepard exploded at Liara. "Why would you do that?"

"I was trying to help," Liara replied calmly.

"How was that helping? I can't go and give some speech in front of a bunch of grieving widows and parents."

"And why not?"

"Because-" Shepard's voice trailed off at the end of the word as she struggled to put her thoughts into words.

"I don't know Liara," Tali said, interrupting the quiet. "Is it really such a good idea for Shepard to be out in front of all those people. I mean, she hasn't been with a large group for a long time. Right?"

"True. But Hackett was completely right. There is no one else that loves Shepard more than a group of Alliance affiliated humans. It is not like she is going to be speaking in front of a group of Batarians."

"I'm right here," Shepard interjected.

Liara turned from her conversation with Tali to reach out to the commander, talking a hand between hers. All of the anger that Shepard had been harboring towards her bondmate melted away at her touch."I am sorry to accept on your behalf. But I do believe that this opportunity will be good for you. Think about it. All those people cheering for you.”

"I know that I would be honored to be one of those people in the crowd listening to your speech," James said, revealing his position evesdropping from the kitchen. "Y'know, if I didn't hear them all the time."

Shepard relaxed into Liara's embrace. "I'll help you write the speech," the asari was saying. "You're good at speeches. It will be no problem at all."

"No problem at all," Shepard repeated, only half believing it herself.


End file.
